Weekend warrior? Not so much...

Ok...as you recall, I had very big plans for myself this weekend. First off, I did eat healthier than normal. I had more fruits and vegetables than normal. I also went to sleep earlier than I normally would. BUT...my goals functioned more like, in my best imitated pirate voice, "guidelines."

The excercise thing didn't happen at all. Man, do I feel like a complete failure on that front. I mean all weekend, I just felt completely drained. In part, I think it's my "girlie troubles" that are affecting me...With the back aches, crankiness and cramps, I just wasn't up for dealing w/ this part of my life. I didn't consciously give myself a "pass" but I can tell I just maneuverd around my goals.

For instance, I was over at a friends house last night....well, instead of taking dinner with me (which was my plan...and I have a freezer full of lean cuisine meals) I went w/ the flow and ordered Panda Express w/ everyone else...and it was yummy!! I won't lie, I enjoyed it A LOT. So my food yesterday consisted of:

SAT FOOD
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat (first meal of the day....lunchtime)

Dinner: panda express orange chicken...2 orders w/ rice.

Dessert/treats throughout day: 1 Breyer's low-fat/sugarfree fudgsicle; a handfull of halloween candies--chocolate & peanut butter.
Drinks: Diet soda & lots of water (YAY...did something right!!) :)

Exercise: sound of crickets in the background...

So...as you can see yesterday was a bust when it comes to food & exercise.

Now...today I have a chance to start fresh. So today, I am doing without the sugary treats...that's so tough for me right now (during my "girlie troubles" I sincerely crave sweets!!).

SUN GOALS: readjusted
1) No sugary treats today...if I want something sweet tasting, have fruit or a sugar free pudding snack.

2) Eat a healthy lunch

3) Dinner, use the ground chicken breast to make a healthy meal....perhaps a turkey meatloaf...or turkey burgers.

4) House work & shopping today.

Ok...so let's see how the rest of today goes. I'm trying not to beat myself up about yesterday. Even though I feel like such a failure...I mean people lose weight all the time. Why is this soooo hard for me? Why wasn't I one of those lucky ones whose weight never seems to go above 105 lbs, no matter what they eat or if they excercise? Grr...i need to stop that line of thinking. I will not feel sorry for myself.

I recognize that my choices are what brought me to this point. The choice to eat the foods I eat, the choice to not excercise regularly...Now I must choose, everyday, to put my health first.

When I started this...my goal was to become healthy, that's true...but the other hidden goal is to have children. It's a tough thing to want children, but unable to do so w/out the help of fertility doctors. My doctor wants me to lose weight before I get pregnant, I ended gaining weight. I feel like even more of failure than I already did. She's concerned if I don't get my weight under control, then I will have to deal with many complications during and after the pregnancy. I am so scared that I will either a) never get to have a baby...or b) get pregnant and then have so many health problems & complications that the baby is not healthy.

So many family members keep asking about when I am going to have a baby...and I haven't told them all about my fertility problems. I'm so ashamed by them...which sounds ludicrous...but I am. It's painful when people ask me about having kids...so I make a flippant comment, or ignore it...when really it's like a knife in my heart.

I admit, I use food to comfort myself at times like that...and if only I could switch something in my brain that helps me feel like eating healthier foods is the way to go...but I turn to the old stand-bys...breads, pasta, sweets...

Wow...that all just came flooding out...perhaps that's more of what I need to do...get these painful & poisonous thoughts out of my head...and focus on what I CAN do every day...not what I may not be able to do...and today, I can choose not to put poison into my body by eating candy or other foods that are keeping me from having a child.

Thanks for reading...Until next time...
Karma