All we have to fear is....a size 6?

Karmaic quote: "Often the the test of courage is not to die, but to live." --Vittorio Alfieri, Oreste

This quote struck me today because I realized that I'm afraid to be thin. I really do have this fear of what life will be like if I lose weight. Will I be able to afford new clothes? Ok seriously, all of the questions burst in my head, will people be disappointed if I gain some back, will people be happy for me or will they try to "get me to cave?"

Then there are always the people who truly mean well with their, "Oh my god, you look like you've lost weight..you look great!" This has happened in the past and it really made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't like that people noticed. I think I enjoy the anonymity of being fat. I can go anywhere, do anything and people just don't pay attention.

I've never been a big fan of having people stare. At my current weight I don't have to worry about that. I'm not sooo big that I turn heads, but I'm not attractive enough to turn them either. I think that there is some control in that. I don't have any unwanted attention.

Yet, I wondered why I craved this anonymous life?? In part, I think it has to do with the fact that as a child I was abused. Having unwanted sexual attention forced upon me at a young age, I grew up NEVER wanting that kind of attention...eating really helped solve that problem! As I grew older, I began dealing with my issues and in college I lost 40lbs my freshman year. Wow, but that helped me get attention. I still wasn't thin, but I was busty and my body was pretty proportionate...so there were guys who liked that about me ;)

Anyway...while in college I made some choices that put me in several situations where I was taken advantage of...not "victimized" in the traditional sense. I have far too much belief in personal responsibility to not see the role I played...but it left me feeling vulnerable.

Again, I gained a lot of weight and felt in control again...I was anonymous... faceless... beautyless...To be clear, I don't dislike the person I am. In fact, I think I have some rather attractive features when I play them up.

My husband loves me...utterly and completely....as I love him! I couldn't have found a more wonderful person to share my life with. Yet a part of me fears losing him when I lose weight. Not because I'm looking to replace him...but because I feel he will be insecure....I don't want him to ever feel that way with me!!! I want him to realize that despite the struggles we've had in the past, he is my true love...always and forever.

This was more of a freewriting venting session than well thought out journal entry...but it helped just get some of these trapped feelings out...

I guess my goal is to keep taking one day at a time...being in control of what I put in my body! That is the control that, long term, will help me the most!

Until next time....
Karma