To Write or Not to Write a blog...

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." --Robert Frost


As anyone who has found their way to this little part of the blogosphere can tell, I am not a disciplined writer. While I have dreams of writing THE great American novel, I have a firm grasp of my own limitations and procrastination. Do I think I could create a novel from the myriad stories locked in my brain? The best I have is maybe. My writing muscle is a bit weary these days...and far too long out of practice.

I did, however, make a promise to myself that when I FINALLY bought a laptop I would start writing again...whether it continue working on my "novel" or my blog, I wasn't so specific...writers write, whether it be an online stream of consciousness or the deliberate placing of words to bring about the exact feeling or emotion of a given event. Well, I now have my laptop! So, I'm holding myself accountable to, well, myself. There is no one else to do it. It is no one else's responsibility. So here I am...

To write...then comes the always paralyzing question of what to write about. I often feel that even with my few posts, this is the "Seinfeld" blog...a blog about nothing...or at least nothing in particular. It began as a chart of my progess in the battle of weight loss, but that quickly lost steam.

So now I envision it more to be place where I can simply exist...be myself, share my thoughts, and hopefully find some people who find it interesting. Too often, people feel unimportant in the grand scheme of th world...I'm no different. I mean just look at the images from the Hubble space telescope and you can't but feel like a speck of sand in an infinite universe. I imagine the web universe is becoming nearly as vast....I mean everyone has a MySpace, Facebook, and a LinkedIn page...not to mention their five email addresses, and three photo sharing sites.

So here I am, letting my fingers write whatever comes to mind...American Idol lyrically droning in the background. There is something about such shows that really pull me. Seeing dreams pushed further along or destroyed in the space of an hour. I've been a fan for many years, but I so hope this season will showcase some real talent. The last thing we need is another year that reaches Sanjaya levels of dreadful and ridiculous. Not that these contests mean much in the long run, I suppose. I can't say I own any of the winners albums...hell, it takes so long for them to come out, I've often forgotten who won.

I know there has been controversy about this season...but to hell with that...I'm ready for a season of REAL talent...not glorified glee club candidates or bubblegum pop stars.

Anyway, I will do my best to keep writing what is on my mind...

Until next time,
Karma

Toil, toil...

"To be successful, the first thing to do is fall in love with your work." -- Sister Mary Lauretta


There are moments in everyone's working life where they feel they are in the completely wrong job. I've had those days where it seems nothing goes right...the faculty seem impossible to please, students are trying to weasal their way out of a requirement, or they have added yet another duty to the list of the things I need to do every day.

But then, along comes a day or a week that makes it all worth it. For me, it was last week. A girl came in, upset that she would be unable to financially pay for school...I talked with her a while, found out more about her situation and gave her some advice. Lo and behold, she came back in the other day to say that I had helped her so much and that she woul be able to stay in school! I felt on cloud nine!

In addition, as students are getting ready to graduate, they come to see me regarding last minute graduation advice. One student told me that she could not participate in the graduation cermemony because she didn't think she would be able to afford the attire. Understanding what it's like to not have extra money for stuff like that, I called the Event office and they assured me that the student would not be without attire. Again, it felt good to be able to help this student find a solution. Now she will be able to participate in the ceremony and have her family cheer her on as she takes that walk across the stage. It is so frustrating to think that there may be other students facing the same issues, but they may not know that there are solutions out there.

Overall, I guess that is it for now...I'll share more later.

Until next time,
Karma

Happiness Is...

"Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times "


In college, my friend and I were each having a bad day, so we sat down together and wrote a list of all the things that were wrong at that moment...her feet really DID smell awful that day! Anyway, I thought I would do the opposite today...I am thinking on all the things, both big and little, that have the power to make me smile...

• The smell of clean laundry
• Sex
• Shaving my legs
• Rainbows
• The Colbert Report
• The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart
• My awesome performance review! :)
• Babies
• Professor T! she's a hoot!
• Tutoring
• Andy Barker, P.I.
• N.P.H. (Neil Patrick Harris...he's awesome as Barney)
• Movie quotes (like, "my dirty pee pants..." from Talladega Nights)
• Yogurt, fruit & Granola parfait from Starbuck's
• Chai lattes
• Hawaiian sunsets
• IM's with friends
• Holding hands
• Feel of a brand new book
• Dinner with friends
• DnD
• Pluto (the Disney dog)
• Pluto (formerly known as a "planet")
• My neice being true to her unique identity
• Real butter
• Chocolate Mousse
• Squirrels frolicking
• Men in Tights
• Polar Bears cubs
• Swimming

this will be an ongoing list that I will add things to as the need arises....

Until next time,
Karma

A life more ordinary...

"Never get so fascinated by the extraordinary that you forget the ordinary." -- Magdalen Nabb, author

Ok, so I'm back after a very long hiatus from writing in my Blog. I can't really explain why I haven't been sharing here. So many excuses...ugh! I'm tired of excuses. I think that was simply it, I was tired. I felt that I'd been going down this negative path with the Blog, with my feelings in general. The break really helped. In the last year, I've done a lot to change my outlook and recognize what I can do to make my life better.

The number one thing, I started volunteering again. For so long, I'd felt terrible about not giving something back. Yes, there is always donating money, but that is just not enough for me. I have so much free time, that I felt like I needed to do more. Last summer I took the initiative and found a local adult literacy program...since I'd missed their training, they asked me to volunteer as a math tutor for a 5th grader. That was awesome. She was a great kid!! I really enjoyed working with her...but once the adult literacy training came around, I felt like I had to move on. Adult Literacy is where my heart is!!

So in February, I completed my adult literacy training and have now started meeting w/ my learner. I'm so humbled by her life experience. I cannot possibly do her justice in this measly blog, she's lived through civil wars in her own country...watched people die around her...she was never allowed to go to school or be educated. Yet, she has this amazing smile and positive energy that spreads joy! She is so eager to read and write that I look forward to every meeting with her!

This goes to my quote at the top...enjoying the ordinary. I went to school for so long, but somewhere along the way, I forgot the joy in simply learning! The excitement one gets when a new concept is understood...or a new milestone is reached. I've taken the ability to read and write for granted and now I have the opportunity to experience the joy through H's eyes. I feeled truly humbled and honored to be able to spend time with this program.

As for other parts of my life

I've been, once again, working on being more active. Since D&P broke up, I've really made an effort to be there for D. This has meant more hiking and such. Basically it has meant getting out more in general...dinner parties, bar nights, poker, etc... It's actually been good to have the old D back, the way he was when we were just out of college. We had such a great time hanging out back then. The last few years have been such a struggle...it's been so much drama and angst. Probably stemming from the fact that we were both unhappy with ourselves...D and I would argue and it always left me feeling a little hollow and hurt! I'm sure I've hurt him over the years too. It's nice to have my friend back. Now, once he is in another relationship, or back w/ P, I may lose him again...but for now, my "big brother" is back!

All in all, I feel pretty happy right now....life is full of ups and downs and this high may not last long (perhaps I should find some good drugs?? lol ) I know that I need to take one day at a time and enjoy my life as it happens.

Until next time,

Karma

Rain Check

"Be still, sad heart, and cease repining; Behind the clouds the sun is shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary. " -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


I've claimed, for quite some time, that I LOVE the overcast "dreary" days. In fact, I do enjoy being outdoors when there are grey clouds, a brisk wind, and a hand to hold. In the last few months, however, we've been getting a lot of rain and cloudy days. To be honest, it's been the hardest few months I've ever had in my life.

Studies have shown that incidents of depression are increased in places like Seattle, where they have a large number of rainy and/or overcast days. I used to think it was all myth...but I'm starting to feel those effects. I'm not saying it is entirely due to the weather, but I certainly don't think it's helping.

I've been losing interest in everything I used to enjoy...being online, gaming, classes...in part, I'm certain it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm struggling with finding meaning in my life. I wrote previously about not knowing what I should do now that I've completed the main goal I've had my entire life. I feel, simply, lost.

To compound the problem, I'm not very good at talking to people about what's really going on in my head. Usually, my stock answer is, "Everything's great [or fine, or wonderful, or just dandy, etc...]." It's quickly followed up with a, "how are you?" This is my way of shifting the focus away from myself and on to someone else. Listening to someone else is a way for me to avoid confronting my own fears...my own emotions. When I feel too much scrutiny, I feel my hackles rise...like a wounded animal that's been backed into a corner. I get snarly and make those around me suffer for it.

Not a pretty picture, I admit! I think the secrecy of my TRUE feelings goes back a long way. Growing up, I kept so many secrets...as kid, I never told anyone about the sexual abuse I suffered...hell, I was 24 when I finally had the courage to tell my mom and sister. I have to thank my hubby (and a good dose of counseling) for that courage. He really helped me feel comforatable in my own skin...made sure that I knew he still loved me despite my insecurities.

Lately, I've felt those same old insecurities coming up. I've been questioning my place in the world...my purpose in life...I'm stuggling so much to see what I should be doing. Perhaps what I need to do is relax...stop looking so damn hard for a reason in everything. I sometimes take things soo seriously that I miss the opportunity to just have a good time.

This is going to be my goal for now...have a good time...not take things so seriously...and just live in the moment! I need to find the beauty in the rain...as I once did! It's been a long time since I've walked in the rain, happy to have the soothing drops wash over me, cleansing me of worry and doubt as I wait for the sun to creep out from behind the clouds...


Until next time,
Karma :)

Four Square...

Karma Quote: "Follow your bliss." -- Joseph Campbell

I saw this great "get to know you" list, so I poached it! ;) I haven't been following my "bliss," so this list helped me think about some of my favorite things...

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Gift Shop clerk at a winery
2. Purchasing Agent
3. Administrative Asst for HR
4. Office Manager

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. The Princess Bride
2. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971 version)
3. Victor/Victoria
4. It’s a Wonderful Life

Four places you have lived:
1. Enumclaw, WA
2. Portland, OR
3. Ukiah, CA
4. San Jose, CA

Four current TV shows you love to watch:
1. Grey’s Anatomy
2. 24
3. Survivor
4. LOST

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Florida (Orlando, Ft. Lauderdale, Miami)
2. Hawaii (Big Island)
3. Seattle, WA
4. Las Vegas, NV

Four websites I visit daily:
1. BBC News
2. Alpha Strike Forum
3. Main site for University
4. Barefoot Beach

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Cherries
2. Buffalo Chicken Strips
3. Neopolitan Ice Cream
4. French Fries

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Curled up in bed, reading or sleeping.
2. Hawaii, gazing at the endless blue water.
3. Office at home playing City of Heroes!
4. Hiking in the hills of Santa Cruz (if it weren’t raining)

Until Next Time,
Karma

Holy Pilates Batman!

Karmaic Quote: Love someone for who and what they are without conditions.

I did it! I signed up for my first Pilates class. It's an "express" class offered during the lunch hour on Tuesdays & Thursdays. I'm feeling really good about it. It was a choice between the Pilates and a class called Guts & Gluts...while I definitely need work on both my gut and butt, but I wasn't sure I was up for the more advanced level course. Figure that the classes are going to be filled with young co-eds to begin with...I'm not sure I'm ready to try and keep up with them.

As it is, the class starts next Tuesday, so I have one more week to keep myself motivated! I find that is the most difficult thing....finding motivation and staying that way. I keep telling myself that I will love it! My aim is to do this twice a week, then do bike afterwards...increasing bike to MWF if possible. It's funny, I really don't like doing things alone, yet repeatedly throughout my life I've been alone in completing the things that are important to me.

As an undergrad, years ago, I remember converting to Catholicism. Every week for a year I attending classes on my own...none of my friends attended with me. In fact, the first time I signed up for a retreat was my freshman year...I knew no one on the retreat. My friend Christina was so surprised that I would go to such a thing by myself. While I was nervous and a bit scared to be "on my own" with a bunch of strangers, I ended up meeting new friends. I've actually enjoyed these "solo" experiences...broadening my horizons at my own pace, in my time...without the hustle of friends pushing me to be a follower on their journey. I love the feeling of going to a movie alone, taking a walk, or sitting silently in the solitude of the Mission Church or the gardens.

I guess, what I'm trying to say with all this rambling is I'm capable of doing this on my own. I don't need the trainer (like I keep saying)...I don't need a support group, like weight watchers...I simply need to believe this is important to me. This has always been the biggest obstacle for me...believing that I'm important enough to be healthy. Sounds weird, I know...I'm not talking about being "self-important"--just important to myself. Care about myself as I do for my family and friends.

I guess I will tack this on to my goals...simply be alert to my long term needs and desires. Don't push them away in favor of short term "fix" or the ease of apathy.

Until next time...
Karma