"Be still, sad heart, and cease repining; Behind the clouds the sun is shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary. " -- Henry Wadsworth LongfellowI've claimed, for quite some time, that I LOVE the overcast "dreary" days. In fact, I do enjoy being outdoors when there are grey clouds, a brisk wind, and a hand to hold. In the last few months, however, we've been getting a lot of rain and cloudy days. To be honest, it's been the hardest few months I've ever had in my life.
Studies have shown that incidents of depression are increased in places like Seattle, where they have a large number of rainy and/or overcast days. I used to think it was all myth...but I'm starting to feel those effects. I'm not saying it is entirely due to the weather, but I certainly don't think it's helping.
I've been losing interest in everything I used to enjoy...being online, gaming, classes...in part, I'm certain it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm struggling with finding meaning in my life. I wrote previously about not knowing what I should do now that I've completed the main goal I've had my entire life. I feel, simply, lost.
To compound the problem, I'm not very good at talking to people about what's really going on in my head. Usually, my stock answer is, "Everything's great [or fine, or wonderful, or just dandy, etc...]." It's quickly followed up with a, "how are you?" This is my way of shifting the focus away from myself and on to someone else. Listening to someone else is a way for me to avoid confronting my own fears...my own emotions. When I feel too much scrutiny, I feel my hackles rise...like a wounded animal that's been backed into a corner. I get snarly and make those around me suffer for it.
Not a pretty picture, I admit! I think the secrecy of my TRUE feelings goes back a long way. Growing up, I kept so many secrets...as kid, I never told anyone about the sexual abuse I suffered...hell, I was 24 when I finally had the courage to tell my mom and sister. I have to thank my hubby (and a good dose of counseling) for that courage. He really helped me feel comforatable in my own skin...made sure that I knew he still loved me despite my insecurities.
Lately, I've felt those same old insecurities coming up. I've been questioning my place in the world...my purpose in life...I'm stuggling so much to see what I should be doing. Perhaps what I need to do is relax...stop looking so damn hard for a reason in everything. I sometimes take things soo seriously that I miss the opportunity to just have a good time.
This is going to be my goal for now...have a good time...not take things so seriously...and just live in the moment! I need to find the beauty in the rain...as I once did! It's been a long time since I've walked in the rain, happy to have the soothing drops wash over me, cleansing me of worry and doubt as I wait for the sun to creep out from behind the clouds...
Until next time,
Karma :)
