Karmaic quote: "Often the the test of courage is not to die, but to live." --Vittorio Alfieri, Oreste
This quote struck me today because I realized that I'm afraid to be thin. I really do have this fear of what life will be like if I lose weight. Will I be able to afford new clothes? Ok seriously, all of the questions burst in my head, will people be disappointed if I gain some back, will people be happy for me or will they try to "get me to cave?"
Then there are always the people who truly mean well with their, "Oh my god, you look like you've lost weight..you look great!" This has happened in the past and it really made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't like that people noticed. I think I enjoy the anonymity of being fat. I can go anywhere, do anything and people just don't pay attention.
I've never been a big fan of having people stare. At my current weight I don't have to worry about that. I'm not sooo big that I turn heads, but I'm not attractive enough to turn them either. I think that there is some control in that. I don't have any unwanted attention.
Yet, I wondered why I craved this anonymous life?? In part, I think it has to do with the fact that as a child I was abused. Having unwanted sexual attention forced upon me at a young age, I grew up NEVER wanting that kind of attention...eating really helped solve that problem! As I grew older, I began dealing with my issues and in college I lost 40lbs my freshman year. Wow, but that helped me get attention. I still wasn't thin, but I was busty and my body was pretty proportionate...so there were guys who liked that about me ;)
Anyway...while in college I made some choices that put me in several situations where I was taken advantage of...not "victimized" in the traditional sense. I have far too much belief in personal responsibility to not see the role I played...but it left me feeling vulnerable.
Again, I gained a lot of weight and felt in control again...I was anonymous... faceless... beautyless...To be clear, I don't dislike the person I am. In fact, I think I have some rather attractive features when I play them up.
My husband loves me...utterly and completely....as I love him! I couldn't have found a more wonderful person to share my life with. Yet a part of me fears losing him when I lose weight. Not because I'm looking to replace him...but because I feel he will be insecure....I don't want him to ever feel that way with me!!! I want him to realize that despite the struggles we've had in the past, he is my true love...always and forever.
This was more of a freewriting venting session than well thought out journal entry...but it helped just get some of these trapped feelings out...
I guess my goal is to keep taking one day at a time...being in control of what I put in my body! That is the control that, long term, will help me the most!
Until next time....
Karma
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Friday, October 14, 2005
I scream so selfishly...
Instant karma: Examine your need to accummulate or hold on to things...
Today's karma point ties in to the thoughts that are weighing on me (literally & figuratively). I realized that the "selish monster" has reared it's ugly head in my pantry! It's too big to squish with a shoe...so I'm going to attempt to "blog"eon it to death ;)
First, let me start by saying that anything I have I am happy to share...my books, time, clothes, money...deep down, I like to help people. This includes sharing anything I have with them...I'm not a doormat, so no requests for money :P But you get my drift. If there is a way help, I will do my best...of course, I suffer from humanism--which means I'm not perfect but I do try to be helpful.
That is...except with food. I'm a compulsive eater. As I was chatting w/ my friend Tra today, I realized that I am so selfish with food. For instance...take ice cream. Most people like ice cream, it has so many flavors and toppings...there is something for everyone. My husband and I both enjoy ice cream...too much in fact. Which becomes a problem when we have it in the house because we both want the ice cream for our own. It's terrible and you can say it, it's a little sad.
I've noticed to combat this he and I will buy ice cream or other sweet treats the other doesn't like...specifically so we don't have to share! I hate cinnamon, so he'll buy cinnamon rolls...he doesn't like coffee, so I'll buy Starbuck's Java Ice cream. I hate apple pie, he hates carrot cake. The list goes on and on...but when I buy an ice cream flavor that I know he likes, I typically won't buy it anymore....
Upon reflection, I realize that if we both like a particular sweet treat, we both eat as much of it as possible...as soon as possible. I can't speak for him, but for me, I'm so afraid of there being none left when I want some, that I choose to eat all that I can when it's there. Pints of ice cream are the worst....those don't stop me at all, they are a "one sitting" serving.
Funny thing is that if R does eat it, I have the choice to go buy more, if I really want it...so why does it matter so much?? When he doesn't like the ice cream flavor, a pint can sit there for months without me having ANY...because I know he won't eat, so it will be there for me whenever I do. His sweet tooth is pretty powerful though, so it's hard to find something that I like that he doesn't...
This ritual doesn't stop at sweets though, if it did then the answer would be to eliminate them...but it's with every meal...we both want to be able to eat whatever amount we want...without having to worry about seconds. So we pile our plates high with pasta or potatoes to make sure we fill ourselves up...too often we simply gorge ourself...to ensure that our wants are taken care of.
I know for me this comes from my childhood...we usually didn't have lots of money and we didn't always get to have sweet treats...and I remember many times when meals were very simple without any extra for seconds. In addition, there was always that “clean your plate” mantra that was drilled into us kids. As an adult, I am in charge of my own kitchen yet I can't seem to overcome this need to make sure I get my fill....eat more before it's all gone. I have a hard time recognizing that if something is gone when I want it, I can drive to the supermarket and get it. I'm still thinking like the girl who had to eat when the eating was good...and when it wasn't you made do. It’s even more difficult to stop myself from eating when there is still food on my plate.
I think that is why portion control is sooo freaking hard for me. It's hard to limit myself because in the back of my mind I'm always encouraging myself to "eat while the eating is good” and once it’s there I feel the need to finish it all. Last night for instance, R was going over to a friend’s house...so I was making dinner for just myself. I was trying to be good and I made a pretty healthy dinner.
Well, it was very good...and I ate my one portion and I was putting the rest away for R to take to lunch today...well, I had the hardest time not eating the rest of it...I wanted it. As I put it in the Tupperware, I was stealing little bites. I wasn't hungry...but it was like I couldn't stop myself...I wanted it all for myself and I knew he would be taking it to lunch...not me. Talk about greedy…
I suppose it helps that I’m making myself aware of these behaviors…as GI Joe says, “Knowing is half the battle.” Now I must work at staying aware to make sure that I’m not acting selfishly. I know food is important to living, can’t get around that one…but I can live without a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or a third portion of a good meal.
Until next time…
Karma
Today's karma point ties in to the thoughts that are weighing on me (literally & figuratively). I realized that the "selish monster" has reared it's ugly head in my pantry! It's too big to squish with a shoe...so I'm going to attempt to "blog"eon it to death ;)
First, let me start by saying that anything I have I am happy to share...my books, time, clothes, money...deep down, I like to help people. This includes sharing anything I have with them...I'm not a doormat, so no requests for money :P But you get my drift. If there is a way help, I will do my best...of course, I suffer from humanism--which means I'm not perfect but I do try to be helpful.
That is...except with food. I'm a compulsive eater. As I was chatting w/ my friend Tra today, I realized that I am so selfish with food. For instance...take ice cream. Most people like ice cream, it has so many flavors and toppings...there is something for everyone. My husband and I both enjoy ice cream...too much in fact. Which becomes a problem when we have it in the house because we both want the ice cream for our own. It's terrible and you can say it, it's a little sad.
I've noticed to combat this he and I will buy ice cream or other sweet treats the other doesn't like...specifically so we don't have to share! I hate cinnamon, so he'll buy cinnamon rolls...he doesn't like coffee, so I'll buy Starbuck's Java Ice cream. I hate apple pie, he hates carrot cake. The list goes on and on...but when I buy an ice cream flavor that I know he likes, I typically won't buy it anymore....
Upon reflection, I realize that if we both like a particular sweet treat, we both eat as much of it as possible...as soon as possible. I can't speak for him, but for me, I'm so afraid of there being none left when I want some, that I choose to eat all that I can when it's there. Pints of ice cream are the worst....those don't stop me at all, they are a "one sitting" serving.
Funny thing is that if R does eat it, I have the choice to go buy more, if I really want it...so why does it matter so much?? When he doesn't like the ice cream flavor, a pint can sit there for months without me having ANY...because I know he won't eat, so it will be there for me whenever I do. His sweet tooth is pretty powerful though, so it's hard to find something that I like that he doesn't...
This ritual doesn't stop at sweets though, if it did then the answer would be to eliminate them...but it's with every meal...we both want to be able to eat whatever amount we want...without having to worry about seconds. So we pile our plates high with pasta or potatoes to make sure we fill ourselves up...too often we simply gorge ourself...to ensure that our wants are taken care of.
I know for me this comes from my childhood...we usually didn't have lots of money and we didn't always get to have sweet treats...and I remember many times when meals were very simple without any extra for seconds. In addition, there was always that “clean your plate” mantra that was drilled into us kids. As an adult, I am in charge of my own kitchen yet I can't seem to overcome this need to make sure I get my fill....eat more before it's all gone. I have a hard time recognizing that if something is gone when I want it, I can drive to the supermarket and get it. I'm still thinking like the girl who had to eat when the eating was good...and when it wasn't you made do. It’s even more difficult to stop myself from eating when there is still food on my plate.
I think that is why portion control is sooo freaking hard for me. It's hard to limit myself because in the back of my mind I'm always encouraging myself to "eat while the eating is good” and once it’s there I feel the need to finish it all. Last night for instance, R was going over to a friend’s house...so I was making dinner for just myself. I was trying to be good and I made a pretty healthy dinner.
Well, it was very good...and I ate my one portion and I was putting the rest away for R to take to lunch today...well, I had the hardest time not eating the rest of it...I wanted it. As I put it in the Tupperware, I was stealing little bites. I wasn't hungry...but it was like I couldn't stop myself...I wanted it all for myself and I knew he would be taking it to lunch...not me. Talk about greedy…
I suppose it helps that I’m making myself aware of these behaviors…as GI Joe says, “Knowing is half the battle.” Now I must work at staying aware to make sure that I’m not acting selfishly. I know food is important to living, can’t get around that one…but I can live without a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or a third portion of a good meal.
Until next time…
Karma
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
No...I don't want any fries with that!
Instant Karma: Make your life more like you want it...
Seems simple enough...make your life more like you want it...hell, it seems like down right common sense, even a bit ludicrous that one would have to state such an obvious thing. Yet for years, I've found myself making choices that go against that very simple and elegant statement.
Case in point, my weight...I can't count how many times I've wished to be thinner only to gobble down a Big Mac and large fry. It's like there is little voice in my head telling me it's ok to have that kind of crap, "Hell, you're overweight anyway...what is another fast food burger really gonna do to you?" or "You'll never be thin, so just accept it and eat whatever you want." Those two phrases are the bane of my existence.
I'm all for loving myself...overweight and all. In fact, I think if I can't accept myself as I am right now, then no amount of weight loss will help me feel better about my body. I think it's clear that being thin is not the solution to lifes’ problems...being thin, should not be my goal! And it's not...I don't care if I'm overweight (based on the norms that are out there now). I care about being healthy enough to have a child...being healthy enough to maybe even have two...cuz let's face it, I'm probably going to be too much of a heahache in my old age to put all that burden on one kid... ;-P
And that's the crux...I want to see my future kids grow up, get married...I want to embarrass them by telling tales to their wives, husbands, children...I want to be a grandmother...
So...in taking the steps to make this happen, I am working on two issues simultaneously. My doctor just prescribed something called Metformin. She explained that it's a drug normally given to diabetics and while I'm not diabetic, I am certainly at high risk. One of the side effects is that it can make a woman ovulate....so the drug has been used to treat women, like me, who have trouble ovulating. Another side effect, is that it typically causes weight loss...I was on it for a short time before and I lost about 20lbs. The trick, is that using this drug, eating right, and exercising should all work together to not only get my body to lose weight, but also to someday have a child.
Don't get me wrong, there are side effects. While my body adjusts to the medicine, I'm running to the potty almost every hour...ick...I know you didn't need to know that. On the bright side, I bet I helped curb your appetite ;) There are also some more severe risks...so it's not without its drawbacks. I have to watch my food intake pretty carefully and have good balanced meals...which is the toughest part for me…but right now, the risks outweigh the possible side effects [I reserve the right to change my mind on this should I need to put a computer in the potty just to post on this site!]
I’m pretty clear on what I need to do in order to achieve my goals…I’m ready to start making choices that allow me to have the life I want. I'm not a saint, and I know that there will come a day where I treat myself to a yummy dinner out...but I'll remember to say, "No, I don't want fries with that!"
Take care...until next time :)
Karma
Seems simple enough...make your life more like you want it...hell, it seems like down right common sense, even a bit ludicrous that one would have to state such an obvious thing. Yet for years, I've found myself making choices that go against that very simple and elegant statement.
Case in point, my weight...I can't count how many times I've wished to be thinner only to gobble down a Big Mac and large fry. It's like there is little voice in my head telling me it's ok to have that kind of crap, "Hell, you're overweight anyway...what is another fast food burger really gonna do to you?" or "You'll never be thin, so just accept it and eat whatever you want." Those two phrases are the bane of my existence.
I'm all for loving myself...overweight and all. In fact, I think if I can't accept myself as I am right now, then no amount of weight loss will help me feel better about my body. I think it's clear that being thin is not the solution to lifes’ problems...being thin, should not be my goal! And it's not...I don't care if I'm overweight (based on the norms that are out there now). I care about being healthy enough to have a child...being healthy enough to maybe even have two...cuz let's face it, I'm probably going to be too much of a heahache in my old age to put all that burden on one kid... ;-P
And that's the crux...I want to see my future kids grow up, get married...I want to embarrass them by telling tales to their wives, husbands, children...I want to be a grandmother...
So...in taking the steps to make this happen, I am working on two issues simultaneously. My doctor just prescribed something called Metformin. She explained that it's a drug normally given to diabetics and while I'm not diabetic, I am certainly at high risk. One of the side effects is that it can make a woman ovulate....so the drug has been used to treat women, like me, who have trouble ovulating. Another side effect, is that it typically causes weight loss...I was on it for a short time before and I lost about 20lbs. The trick, is that using this drug, eating right, and exercising should all work together to not only get my body to lose weight, but also to someday have a child.
Don't get me wrong, there are side effects. While my body adjusts to the medicine, I'm running to the potty almost every hour...ick...I know you didn't need to know that. On the bright side, I bet I helped curb your appetite ;) There are also some more severe risks...so it's not without its drawbacks. I have to watch my food intake pretty carefully and have good balanced meals...which is the toughest part for me…but right now, the risks outweigh the possible side effects [I reserve the right to change my mind on this should I need to put a computer in the potty just to post on this site!]
I’m pretty clear on what I need to do in order to achieve my goals…I’m ready to start making choices that allow me to have the life I want. I'm not a saint, and I know that there will come a day where I treat myself to a yummy dinner out...but I'll remember to say, "No, I don't want fries with that!"
Take care...until next time :)
Karma
Monday, October 10, 2005
Please, no more "sweet" gestures...
Instant Karma for today: As much as you love someone, realize that you can't control that person's life.
Today is my dad’s birthday…he passed away in 1990, but I still think about him and talk to him almost every day. He was a man who lived his life by helping others…a volunteer fireman, Red Cross volunteer, & EMT (Emergency Medical Technician). My entire life, I’ve never known anyone as giving and generous of their time as my dad. Happy Birthday Dad…I love you and miss you every day!
On to the BLOG…
At what point does a nice gesture become sabotage? After reading the blog my friend writes, she brought up great issues about husbands (spouses in general, really). My husband has a severe weight issue. For a long time, I tried to get him to work on his weight along with me....he resisted and resisted...so I stopped nagging. Eventually, he realized for himself that he needed to do something, so he started going to weight watchers with me.
It was great...we were working on losing weight together...in fact, he lost a whopping 80lbs. while going to weight watchers (I lost about 46 lbs). We credit a great meeting leader! Anyway, that particular leader ended up retiring, and we really didn't like the new leaders...so, we thought we could "go it alone." Needless to say, we gained all that weight back and then some! Currently, we are both at the heaviest we've ever been! This is really hard for him especially since he was an athlete in high school...i've seen pictures...he was lean and all muscle!
Anyway, I know his weight really bothers him...but he has chosen not to do anything about it...and I can't/won't nag him about it. I know that nagging him will NOT change his behavior, but I made a point of trying to change mine...with or without him.
Which brings me back to the point...yesterday, I did really well with eating better, drinking water, making a healthful dinner. I've told him about my daily goals, about wanting to be healthy, and how my friend and I are setting daily goals to work on our weight and be accountable. Well, he comes home last night from a quick trip to the store and has bought me Hostess cupcakes!!! I mean, WTF?? Was he not paying attention? Did he think I wasn't serious? And the worst of it? I ate them...in part, because I didn't want to make him feel bad for trying to do something nice for me. In the past, they have always been a bring a bring-a-smile-to-my-face "comfort" food.
I know his intentions were to bring me something to make me smile! And I love him dearly for that!! I don't blame him for my eating the cupcakes...I'll make that clear. I was the weak one...I could have thrown them away...or simply said that I didn't want them. But I was so intent on protecting his feelings that I let my own feelings get overwhelmed.
I felt such guilt in each bite...but that guilt pushed me to keep eating. At that moment, I think I may understand an inkling of what an alocholic must feel like with that first drink...the desire to stop, the need to stop, but a force that just pushes you to keep filling your mouth. The funny thing is, it didn't make me smile this time. In retrospect, in fact, it makes me feel sick that I pushed myself to finish them.
This leads me to a goal for today:
Tell R that I love him...and that I need him to not aid and abet my poor eating habits. I need to make it clear to him that I adore the thought behind the sweet treat...but from now on, it will make me much happier if he bought me fruit instead....or hey, new shoes...or jewelry...You get the picture!
Overall, I've done really well today:
Breakfast: Cottage Cheese & fruit
Snack: Carb Well, high-protein cereal bar...they are yummy!
Just about to head out for a late lunch...going to track down a yummy salad.
Excercise: Walk around campus--15 minutes
Take care…Until next time…
Karma
Today is my dad’s birthday…he passed away in 1990, but I still think about him and talk to him almost every day. He was a man who lived his life by helping others…a volunteer fireman, Red Cross volunteer, & EMT (Emergency Medical Technician). My entire life, I’ve never known anyone as giving and generous of their time as my dad. Happy Birthday Dad…I love you and miss you every day!
On to the BLOG…
At what point does a nice gesture become sabotage? After reading the blog my friend writes, she brought up great issues about husbands (spouses in general, really). My husband has a severe weight issue. For a long time, I tried to get him to work on his weight along with me....he resisted and resisted...so I stopped nagging. Eventually, he realized for himself that he needed to do something, so he started going to weight watchers with me.
It was great...we were working on losing weight together...in fact, he lost a whopping 80lbs. while going to weight watchers (I lost about 46 lbs). We credit a great meeting leader! Anyway, that particular leader ended up retiring, and we really didn't like the new leaders...so, we thought we could "go it alone." Needless to say, we gained all that weight back and then some! Currently, we are both at the heaviest we've ever been! This is really hard for him especially since he was an athlete in high school...i've seen pictures...he was lean and all muscle!
Anyway, I know his weight really bothers him...but he has chosen not to do anything about it...and I can't/won't nag him about it. I know that nagging him will NOT change his behavior, but I made a point of trying to change mine...with or without him.
Which brings me back to the point...yesterday, I did really well with eating better, drinking water, making a healthful dinner. I've told him about my daily goals, about wanting to be healthy, and how my friend and I are setting daily goals to work on our weight and be accountable. Well, he comes home last night from a quick trip to the store and has bought me Hostess cupcakes!!! I mean, WTF?? Was he not paying attention? Did he think I wasn't serious? And the worst of it? I ate them...in part, because I didn't want to make him feel bad for trying to do something nice for me. In the past, they have always been a bring a bring-a-smile-to-my-face "comfort" food.
I know his intentions were to bring me something to make me smile! And I love him dearly for that!! I don't blame him for my eating the cupcakes...I'll make that clear. I was the weak one...I could have thrown them away...or simply said that I didn't want them. But I was so intent on protecting his feelings that I let my own feelings get overwhelmed.
I felt such guilt in each bite...but that guilt pushed me to keep eating. At that moment, I think I may understand an inkling of what an alocholic must feel like with that first drink...the desire to stop, the need to stop, but a force that just pushes you to keep filling your mouth. The funny thing is, it didn't make me smile this time. In retrospect, in fact, it makes me feel sick that I pushed myself to finish them.
This leads me to a goal for today:
Tell R that I love him...and that I need him to not aid and abet my poor eating habits. I need to make it clear to him that I adore the thought behind the sweet treat...but from now on, it will make me much happier if he bought me fruit instead....or hey, new shoes...or jewelry...You get the picture!
Overall, I've done really well today:
Breakfast: Cottage Cheese & fruit
Snack: Carb Well, high-protein cereal bar...they are yummy!
Just about to head out for a late lunch...going to track down a yummy salad.
Excercise: Walk around campus--15 minutes
Take care…Until next time…
Karma
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Weekend warrior? Not so much...
Ok...as you recall, I had very big plans for myself this weekend. First off, I did eat healthier than normal. I had more fruits and vegetables than normal. I also went to sleep earlier than I normally would. BUT...my goals functioned more like, in my best imitated pirate voice, "guidelines."
The excercise thing didn't happen at all. Man, do I feel like a complete failure on that front. I mean all weekend, I just felt completely drained. In part, I think it's my "girlie troubles" that are affecting me...With the back aches, crankiness and cramps, I just wasn't up for dealing w/ this part of my life. I didn't consciously give myself a "pass" but I can tell I just maneuverd around my goals.
For instance, I was over at a friends house last night....well, instead of taking dinner with me (which was my plan...and I have a freezer full of lean cuisine meals) I went w/ the flow and ordered Panda Express w/ everyone else...and it was yummy!! I won't lie, I enjoyed it A LOT. So my food yesterday consisted of:
SAT FOOD
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat (first meal of the day....lunchtime)
Dinner: panda express orange chicken...2 orders w/ rice.
Dessert/treats throughout day: 1 Breyer's low-fat/sugarfree fudgsicle; a handfull of halloween candies--chocolate & peanut butter.
Drinks: Diet soda & lots of water (YAY...did something right!!) :)
Exercise: sound of crickets in the background...
So...as you can see yesterday was a bust when it comes to food & exercise.
Now...today I have a chance to start fresh. So today, I am doing without the sugary treats...that's so tough for me right now (during my "girlie troubles" I sincerely crave sweets!!).
SUN GOALS: readjusted
1) No sugary treats today...if I want something sweet tasting, have fruit or a sugar free pudding snack.
2) Eat a healthy lunch
3) Dinner, use the ground chicken breast to make a healthy meal....perhaps a turkey meatloaf...or turkey burgers.
4) House work & shopping today.
Ok...so let's see how the rest of today goes. I'm trying not to beat myself up about yesterday. Even though I feel like such a failure...I mean people lose weight all the time. Why is this soooo hard for me? Why wasn't I one of those lucky ones whose weight never seems to go above 105 lbs, no matter what they eat or if they excercise? Grr...i need to stop that line of thinking. I will not feel sorry for myself.
I recognize that my choices are what brought me to this point. The choice to eat the foods I eat, the choice to not excercise regularly...Now I must choose, everyday, to put my health first.
When I started this...my goal was to become healthy, that's true...but the other hidden goal is to have children. It's a tough thing to want children, but unable to do so w/out the help of fertility doctors. My doctor wants me to lose weight before I get pregnant, I ended gaining weight. I feel like even more of failure than I already did. She's concerned if I don't get my weight under control, then I will have to deal with many complications during and after the pregnancy. I am so scared that I will either a) never get to have a baby...or b) get pregnant and then have so many health problems & complications that the baby is not healthy.
So many family members keep asking about when I am going to have a baby...and I haven't told them all about my fertility problems. I'm so ashamed by them...which sounds ludicrous...but I am. It's painful when people ask me about having kids...so I make a flippant comment, or ignore it...when really it's like a knife in my heart.
I admit, I use food to comfort myself at times like that...and if only I could switch something in my brain that helps me feel like eating healthier foods is the way to go...but I turn to the old stand-bys...breads, pasta, sweets...
Wow...that all just came flooding out...perhaps that's more of what I need to do...get these painful & poisonous thoughts out of my head...and focus on what I CAN do every day...not what I may not be able to do...and today, I can choose not to put poison into my body by eating candy or other foods that are keeping me from having a child.
Thanks for reading...Until next time...
Karma
The excercise thing didn't happen at all. Man, do I feel like a complete failure on that front. I mean all weekend, I just felt completely drained. In part, I think it's my "girlie troubles" that are affecting me...With the back aches, crankiness and cramps, I just wasn't up for dealing w/ this part of my life. I didn't consciously give myself a "pass" but I can tell I just maneuverd around my goals.
For instance, I was over at a friends house last night....well, instead of taking dinner with me (which was my plan...and I have a freezer full of lean cuisine meals) I went w/ the flow and ordered Panda Express w/ everyone else...and it was yummy!! I won't lie, I enjoyed it A LOT. So my food yesterday consisted of:
SAT FOOD
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat (first meal of the day....lunchtime)
Dinner: panda express orange chicken...2 orders w/ rice.
Dessert/treats throughout day: 1 Breyer's low-fat/sugarfree fudgsicle; a handfull of halloween candies--chocolate & peanut butter.
Drinks: Diet soda & lots of water (YAY...did something right!!) :)
Exercise: sound of crickets in the background...
So...as you can see yesterday was a bust when it comes to food & exercise.
Now...today I have a chance to start fresh. So today, I am doing without the sugary treats...that's so tough for me right now (during my "girlie troubles" I sincerely crave sweets!!).
SUN GOALS: readjusted
1) No sugary treats today...if I want something sweet tasting, have fruit or a sugar free pudding snack.
2) Eat a healthy lunch
3) Dinner, use the ground chicken breast to make a healthy meal....perhaps a turkey meatloaf...or turkey burgers.
4) House work & shopping today.
Ok...so let's see how the rest of today goes. I'm trying not to beat myself up about yesterday. Even though I feel like such a failure...I mean people lose weight all the time. Why is this soooo hard for me? Why wasn't I one of those lucky ones whose weight never seems to go above 105 lbs, no matter what they eat or if they excercise? Grr...i need to stop that line of thinking. I will not feel sorry for myself.
I recognize that my choices are what brought me to this point. The choice to eat the foods I eat, the choice to not excercise regularly...Now I must choose, everyday, to put my health first.
When I started this...my goal was to become healthy, that's true...but the other hidden goal is to have children. It's a tough thing to want children, but unable to do so w/out the help of fertility doctors. My doctor wants me to lose weight before I get pregnant, I ended gaining weight. I feel like even more of failure than I already did. She's concerned if I don't get my weight under control, then I will have to deal with many complications during and after the pregnancy. I am so scared that I will either a) never get to have a baby...or b) get pregnant and then have so many health problems & complications that the baby is not healthy.
So many family members keep asking about when I am going to have a baby...and I haven't told them all about my fertility problems. I'm so ashamed by them...which sounds ludicrous...but I am. It's painful when people ask me about having kids...so I make a flippant comment, or ignore it...when really it's like a knife in my heart.
I admit, I use food to comfort myself at times like that...and if only I could switch something in my brain that helps me feel like eating healthier foods is the way to go...but I turn to the old stand-bys...breads, pasta, sweets...
Wow...that all just came flooding out...perhaps that's more of what I need to do...get these painful & poisonous thoughts out of my head...and focus on what I CAN do every day...not what I may not be able to do...and today, I can choose not to put poison into my body by eating candy or other foods that are keeping me from having a child.
Thanks for reading...Until next time...
Karma
Friday, October 07, 2005
Mistress of self-sabotage, at your service...
I'm feeling a tad run down today. At first, I thought it was simply the hectic work week. Then I really started thinking about it...I do this to myself. It's my own way of being self-defeatist...here's what I do.
First, I always plan the night before to go to bed early, so I can get an earlier start on my day. I figure this would leave me with an opportunity to eat breakfast for a change...maybe go to the gym. Ok, who am I kidding...while the gym pops into my head, I a) don't like to be all sweaty and gross at work all day and, before you say it, b) I hate showering in the locker room! So until I can get over those issues, no working out in the morning.
So, my first self-sabotage is I consistently stay up late...at least 1am on most nights. Sometimes I even stay up as late as 2 or 3am. Inevitably I feel run-down (like today) or crabby and in no mood to stay on track w/ eating right/excercise. On those run down mornings I just want what's easy...even if it's a chocolate muffin and a Chai from Starbucks. This morning, I resisted the Starbuck's urge...but man did I want to go!!
I guess this leads in to my second form of self-sabotage which is my propensity to skip meals...I rarely eat breakfast and often end up skipping lunch as well. I know I shouldn't...but I do it anyway. This leads me to overeat at dinner time, "Yes please, I will have the extra helping of spaghetti!" or worse, I cave by late afternoon and pounce on the vending machines like I had just been rescued from a deserted island (when "desserted island" would be more like it!!).
So, I guess this leads me to what goals I need to set in order stay on track:
GOAL 1) Set (and keep) a reasonable bedtime: in bed, lights out, by 11:00pm on weekday Sun - Thur; 1am on the weekend Fri-Sat.
--To accomplish this I will: not read in bed, not watch tv in bed. Turn on the DVR to record any late night programs I would like to watch.
GOAL 2) Eat breakfast every day which has a serving of protein (eggs or cottage cheese & fruit)
--To accomplish this I will: Set alarm for an hour ealier than normal, including the weekend; ask R to wake me up when he leaves for work.
GOAL 3) Eat lunch every day--something healthy w/ balance to it.
--To accomplish this, I will: put it on my daily schedule to go to lunch. It will be an appt. I need to keep with myself, every day.
GOAL 4) Excercise at least twice a week
--To accomplish this, I will: Bring my gym clothes to work so I can use the quiet of Tue/Thur afternoon to go to the on-site gym. Also, when I go to lunch, I will walk to get it...if I go someplace close, I will vary my walking path in order to make my walks at least 10 min. each way.
So this starts today. Tonight, my goal is to be in bed by 1am.
My weekend goals:
SATURDAY:
Food--Wake up earlier than normal and make breakfast. Eggs & coffee.
Excercise--Do something active w/ R that we normally don't do. Take a walk, a short hike at the local park, or even yard work.
SUNDAY:
Food--Wake up earlier than normal and have breakfast. Go shopping for breakfast foods for next week. Take them to work so I don't have to remember each morning.
Exercise--walk, reg. housework
So, that seems like a lot to me...but it's all very doable. I will see how I do over the weekend and readjust as needed.
Until next time...
Karma
First, I always plan the night before to go to bed early, so I can get an earlier start on my day. I figure this would leave me with an opportunity to eat breakfast for a change...maybe go to the gym. Ok, who am I kidding...while the gym pops into my head, I a) don't like to be all sweaty and gross at work all day and, before you say it, b) I hate showering in the locker room! So until I can get over those issues, no working out in the morning.
So, my first self-sabotage is I consistently stay up late...at least 1am on most nights. Sometimes I even stay up as late as 2 or 3am. Inevitably I feel run-down (like today) or crabby and in no mood to stay on track w/ eating right/excercise. On those run down mornings I just want what's easy...even if it's a chocolate muffin and a Chai from Starbucks. This morning, I resisted the Starbuck's urge...but man did I want to go!!
I guess this leads in to my second form of self-sabotage which is my propensity to skip meals...I rarely eat breakfast and often end up skipping lunch as well. I know I shouldn't...but I do it anyway. This leads me to overeat at dinner time, "Yes please, I will have the extra helping of spaghetti!" or worse, I cave by late afternoon and pounce on the vending machines like I had just been rescued from a deserted island (when "desserted island" would be more like it!!).
So, I guess this leads me to what goals I need to set in order stay on track:
GOAL 1) Set (and keep) a reasonable bedtime: in bed, lights out, by 11:00pm on weekday Sun - Thur; 1am on the weekend Fri-Sat.
--To accomplish this I will: not read in bed, not watch tv in bed. Turn on the DVR to record any late night programs I would like to watch.
GOAL 2) Eat breakfast every day which has a serving of protein (eggs or cottage cheese & fruit)
--To accomplish this I will: Set alarm for an hour ealier than normal, including the weekend; ask R to wake me up when he leaves for work.
GOAL 3) Eat lunch every day--something healthy w/ balance to it.
--To accomplish this, I will: put it on my daily schedule to go to lunch. It will be an appt. I need to keep with myself, every day.
GOAL 4) Excercise at least twice a week
--To accomplish this, I will: Bring my gym clothes to work so I can use the quiet of Tue/Thur afternoon to go to the on-site gym. Also, when I go to lunch, I will walk to get it...if I go someplace close, I will vary my walking path in order to make my walks at least 10 min. each way.
So this starts today. Tonight, my goal is to be in bed by 1am.
My weekend goals:
SATURDAY:
Food--Wake up earlier than normal and make breakfast. Eggs & coffee.
Excercise--Do something active w/ R that we normally don't do. Take a walk, a short hike at the local park, or even yard work.
SUNDAY:
Food--Wake up earlier than normal and have breakfast. Go shopping for breakfast foods for next week. Take them to work so I don't have to remember each morning.
Exercise--walk, reg. housework
So, that seems like a lot to me...but it's all very doable. I will see how I do over the weekend and readjust as needed.
Until next time...
Karma
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Getting on the right track...
A few days ago my best friend and I decided to do the imposs....ok...the very possible. We decided to support one another while we lose weight and get healthy. Alone, this often feels like such an impossible goal, but one day at a time we will set goals, make simple changes, and reflect on what has brought us to this point.
So, let's start with today. My goals for today were to walk for 20 minutes and eat a healthy lunch...well...1 out of 2 isn't so bad?? Ok, ok..no excuses...
I had good intentions, I walked for 20 minutes around the campus where I work. Not ideal cardio, but more than I have done in the past. Today was frought w/ nothing but meeting after meeting...I skipped breakfast and lunch today. Ended up eating 2 cookies during my afternoon meeting and then bought a Snickers bar. I caved...I don't suppose having a diet coke with it really counts for anything??
So, w/ today's goals shot, I have realigned them for will get back on track...no, not tomorrow...but today. There will be no more "tomorrow." Today, I will continue to increase the amount of water I drink. For dinner, I will have a Lean Cuisine and if that is not enough, then I will have fruit or veggies as a filler/snack. Eating healthy foods in the appropriate portion size has been my biggest problem.
It's hard to overwrite 34 years of bad habits, but I'm keeping my eye on the ultimate goal which is to be more active and healthy...hopefully this will pass on to my husband...but I've decided that I cannot be his consience/mother/voice of reason. I will support him if he chooses to try and lose weight and get healthy with me...but I've learned that I can only make choices for myself. He must want it for himself if it will ever make a difference.
Anyway....that is it for today...see ya next time.
KarmaGirl
So, let's start with today. My goals for today were to walk for 20 minutes and eat a healthy lunch...well...1 out of 2 isn't so bad?? Ok, ok..no excuses...
I had good intentions, I walked for 20 minutes around the campus where I work. Not ideal cardio, but more than I have done in the past. Today was frought w/ nothing but meeting after meeting...I skipped breakfast and lunch today. Ended up eating 2 cookies during my afternoon meeting and then bought a Snickers bar. I caved...I don't suppose having a diet coke with it really counts for anything??
So, w/ today's goals shot, I have realigned them for will get back on track...no, not tomorrow...but today. There will be no more "tomorrow." Today, I will continue to increase the amount of water I drink. For dinner, I will have a Lean Cuisine and if that is not enough, then I will have fruit or veggies as a filler/snack. Eating healthy foods in the appropriate portion size has been my biggest problem.
It's hard to overwrite 34 years of bad habits, but I'm keeping my eye on the ultimate goal which is to be more active and healthy...hopefully this will pass on to my husband...but I've decided that I cannot be his consience/mother/voice of reason. I will support him if he chooses to try and lose weight and get healthy with me...but I've learned that I can only make choices for myself. He must want it for himself if it will ever make a difference.
Anyway....that is it for today...see ya next time.
KarmaGirl
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